Why do we do it? Is it the secrecy of it all? That deliciously mischievous feeling we feel that harkens back to our days as children when we did things we knew we shouldn’t, yet did them anyway? Is it the “dirty” clandestine nature of the act? Two people breaking their vows to find…something with someone else, risking it all just to feel alive for a little while.

Maybe all of the above.

At TMC we think that nowadays more people answer the call of affair sex because it’s so damn easy. At least, the movies and television would have you think so. As we said in our last post, no one tells you about the guilt. And no one, not Ashley Madison, not Adult Friend Finder, not Hollywood, not Craigslist, not your best friend since Kindergarten who’s having an affair with the soccer mom he met at the local PTA meeting, will tell you truth about affair sex.

They won’t, but TMC will.

Here’s the good news. Affair sex can be great. It can be what you need when things are home are unbearable and you need the touch of another human being just to get you through another day. It’s not just the sex act, but just knowing there is another human being out there, somewhere, who misses you, who cares enough to kiss and hold and make love to you can be the difference between a bearable day and one spent running naked and screaming through your gated community.

Here’s the bad news. Affair sex can be filled with guilt and recrimination. If you don’t enter into it with the right mindset then affair sex can destroy your life, and I don’t just mean if your spouse finds out. Many a life has been ruined not by the spouse finding out but by the party having the affair’s need to purge the guilt. Trust me, no one can blow up your life better than you can.

Affair sex will be easy, right? What could be simpler? You meet your potential partner far from home and finally, you’re sitting across from the person you’ve been flirting with for weeks. Truth be told you’ve gotten off thinking about making love to them, how they would feel in your arms, what they would smell like, taste like. You’re ready.

Then, you meet them and the veil of fantasy is lifted. They’re pretty ordinary, not unlike the other moms and dads you see all the time at the soccer games or bake sales. A couple of crow’s feet, maybe a little heavier than the pictures you received, maybe a little less hair and a little more grey than you imagined. That’s not a bad thing, you think. After all, you’re not perfect yourself but maybe you expected something…more. Still, you don’t dwell on that and you smile and when you think they’re not looking you cast surreptitious glances at their body, imagining the naked flesh underneath the work clothes. The waiter arrives in his horrendous uniform covered in those ugly buttons and you cringe for a moment because he looks JUST like your son’s best friend. He isn’t though and you sigh with relief and you order. Soon, the food comes and you’re deep into the getting to know one another phase and you don’t taste the rubbery appetizers and you barely touch your entrée. You take about careers and houses and kids and you wonder how the kids are doing at home, did they eat the dinner you left for them or did they fill up on junk, did Johnny choke up on the bat and did he keep his eye on the ball like you taught him to. You feel a twinge of…something at the thought of your family but you smile and try hard to put them out of your mind.

Soon dinner is over and you walk out to the cars and you share a kiss and you blurt out, “I know a place we can go.” A few minutes later you’re pulling into the lot at a motel and you both walk nervously to the door, pretending this is the most natural thing in the world but feeling like every single person who saw you, from the waiter at the restaurant to the people on the street, even the other motorists you pass, know what you’re about to do.

The room is clean and dirty all at once. It smells freshly cleaned but there’s an odor underneath the fresh pine scent. Whether from smoke or recent clandestine sex or your imagination it’s hard to tell. The sheets are a sickly pastel color which matches the carpets which matches paint which matches the ugly prints on the walls. You turn on the television and the news comes on and you quickly change the channel. The news seems so…ordinary. It’s what you would have on in the background if you were at home right now, washing the dishes or helping the kids with their homework. You flip through the channels and hard core porn appears and you quickly change turn the television off. You move to your companion and you kiss, more out of nervousness than anything else but the kiss builds and soon your hands are running over bodies in places that haven’t been touched in God knows how long. You turn out the lights and get into bed and it feels familiar but strange too. Familiar because you’ve long imagined how it would be to touch another body. Strange because the body you’re touching is different from the one you’ve lain next to for years. It feels different, it moves different it smells different. You kiss again and the kisses are different, the caresses are different and you feel a pang of guilt that push down down down. You wonder if you’ll be able to perform, will everything work, will you embarrass yourself and have to slink home, defeated.

The time comes and condoms appear, bought with cash in a gas station convenience store far, far from home. You haven’t used protection since college but with a little effort it’s on. The sex is hesitant, uncomfortable and over quickly, nothing like the porn star sex he envisioned or the tender loving sex she fantasized. After, they’re together in the dark, her head on his chest, his arm around her, and two strangers lay together, united by broken vows. The sex wasn’t the best. The meal was forgettable. The process of finding each other long, nerve-wracking and secretive, but this, this lying together, this part made it all worth it. This is intimacy and they soak it up greedily, remembering it, storing it for those times when they will be alone and lonely once again. They lay without speaking and she kisses his once-hard chest now beginning to soften with middle age and he softly kisses her hair, the gray just beginning to show and they both know they will be here again. Despite the guilt and the secrets they will be here again. They are cheaters.

If you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC

Bob Marley, Guiltiness

Bob had it right.

Guiltiness will rest on your conscience. But while Bob in his genius railed about the guilt of colonialists at their oppressive ways, what we’re talking about is plain old garden variety guilt at cheating on your spouse.

Truthfully, this post should have come first, because even more than getting the tools of the affair trade (the websites, your phone, computer) right, you had better get your mind right.

Sanitize Series # 2 – The Cell Phone

Sanitize Series # 3 – The Computer

If you’re planning on having an affair, do NOT discount the part that guilt will play in your life. Even if your spouse is completely abusive/neglectful with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and (you feel) totally deserves being cheated on there is still a measure of guilt that must be acknowledged. The successful cheater knows this and prepares for it as best he/she can.

The movies and television make it looks so easy, don’t they? Unhappy at home? Not getting the attention you want and deserve? Is your husband refusing to touch you because you just can’t lose that last ten pounds of baby weight? Does your wife get more excited at a Kardashians marathon than she ever does at seeing you? Then meet someone, have an affair. Like Ashley Madison says, “Life is Short. Have an Affair.” Easy peasy.

Right.

It’s not often they show the effects having an affair can have on your mind. Often, in the movies or on TV, the person having the affair meets the boyfriend/girlfriend in a classy bar or restaurant. They enjoy snappy banter over drinks or an expensive meal then smoothly transition to a nice hotel room where they passionately fall into one another’s arms, closing the door as the scene fades, leaving us to envision the hot clandestine sex.

No one shows the cheater headed toward the rendezvous heart nervous and scared, trying to forget their vows and wondering how it all came to this. You almost never see a cheater psyching himself up so the equipment will work before he meets up with his new girlfriend. When did they ever show a cheating wife kissing her kids as they leave for school that morning knowing in only a few hours she will be doing things to a stranger with that same mouth? No one explains to you that you have to almost become another person in order to go through with it.

Life is short. Have an affair. If only it were that easy.

You think you want to have an affair, but are you REALLY sure? Did you think this through? The lure of hot on-the-side sex is powerful and the thought of someone touching you and paying you some attention even more so, but there are a few things to be considered before you take that step.

The Affair

You’ve decided to have an affair, you’ve logged on to a hook-up site and spent some time assessing your options and lo and behold you hit pay dirt and found someone. They seem cool and sane; you’ve spent some time instant messaging which progressed to email which progressed to some hot phone conversations.

AFF, Plenty of Fish, Ashley Madison, Oh My!

Nice.

So you’ve made a date to hook up and you think it’s going to be easy. Just like the movies. A nice meal, a drink or two then you’ll retire to a room and have the kind of hot monkey sex that you used to have with your spouse but has long gone the way of the Dodo.

Maybe.

But probably not.

Oh, no doubt you’re excited. Your heart beats a mile a minute as the day drags on filled with meetings and TPS reports. Even your boss’s psychotic ranting and mood changes don’t bother you today, you’re going to get some later, yes you are! Then your glance at the picture of your family on your desk and you remember that you told them that you have to work late, clients in from Japan, you know how they like to party. Don’t wait up. And Johnny tell Coach Kleats I won’t make it today but I’ll be there next week for sure and remember what I told you, keep your eye on that ball. You think about the bullshit excuse you gave your husband about hanging out with the girls from work, you’ll be home late but dinner is in the fridge and make sure the kids get their homework done early and little Johnny doesn’t stay up all evening playing Call of Duty. Then you leave the house trying hard not to think about the fact that you lied so smoothly and so. Damn. Easily.

You go through stages. You’re happy you’re going to hook up later. He/she is awesome. Beautiful, hot, sexy, and they have the added quality of knowing and understanding just what you’re going through. Why the hell shouldn’t you go out and have some fun? If your spouse was doing the right thing, why, you wouldn’t even be considering doing this. Yeah. To hell with that selfish asshole! I deserve this, you tell yourself. I deserve some happiness. Maybe you do. But soon five o’clock rolls around and you head to the bathroom and touch up your hair and/or makeup. You splash on just a touch of perfume or cologne. You make sure your breath is icy fresh and you take a deep breath and look in the mirror and wonder what the hell you’re doing, and you consider, just for a moment, saying to hell with this and walking out the door to catch the 5:20 bus like you usually do.

But you don’t.

You give your hair one last look, you pop another breath mint and you grab your stuff and the directions to the restaurant and you walk out the door.

An hour or so later you’re at a Friday’s or Chili’s out on Route Zero, far from anywhere where anyone would recognize either of you. You sit in the car, trying to see if your date (damn, when’s the last time you used that word) got there before you and as you’re leaving the car you see him/her. His hair might be a little thinner than you imaged or she might have a couple of more pounds on her then you thought but essentially they are the same.  Your pulse begins to race again and you think, it’s not too late. You could pull out of the parking lot now and go home. You can delete your Adult Friend Finder profile, lose their email address and go on with your life.

You almost do, but again, you don’t. You take a deep breath, get out of the car and walk, smiling, into the chain restaurant and toward your affair.

It’s not easy, the affair, and if you think it is then you’re fooling yourself. Next time we’ll talk about affair sex and how it might not be all it’s cracked up to be.

Until then, if you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC

All it takes to plug the holes are a little common sense, some knowledge and time. If you’re lucky enough to not share a computer with your spouse or significant other then it’s a little bit easier. If you do happen to share a computer then it’s a bit harder but by no means impossible. I’ll start with the most obvious things and move on to the not-so-obvious. This is by no means a complete list so if you have any ways to protect yourself we haven’t mentioned here then by all means, let us know at info@themoderncheater.com

User Accounts

If you’re on a shared pc your first line of defense is to separate the user accounts.  This is easy to do, but note that you must have a computer administrator account on the computer and be logged in as an administrator to add a new user to the computer. Password protecting the user account once you make the new account it is ideal.

To Create a New User Account in Windows XP

To Create a New User Account in Windows 7

Creating a new user in Mac OS X

STEP 2:

Ok now you’ve made your separate user account but (if you haven’t set a password) anyone can still log onto your account and snoop. So just like we did for the cell phone we need to get rid of everything and anything that could incriminate you. And there are many. Let’s go through some of them.

Pictures and video.

If you’ve been crazy enough to save any pictures or video to your hard drive (and I hope to GOD that you haven’t) now is the time to get rid of them. One guy I know keeps photos and video of his affair on a flash drive and carries it around with him but even that is risky. Leave it in the wrong place or forget it one day and that’s all she wrote. I understand the thrill of looking at the pics or videos now and again but it’s not worth the risk. Still, if you simply MUST have your memories there are plenty of free online services, such as www.picasa.com and www.flickr.com  where you can store them.  Most of these services offer gigabytes of free storage and can be set up quickly and anonymously.

E-mail

When I help my friends set up email I proceed as if the old email address is compromised so I recommend ditching it altogether. If it’s one of those addresses you’ve had for years and Gammy and Pepaw and the rest of the family know and you couldn’t possibly delete it then for God’s sake don’t use it to correspond with your affair. If you can ditch it then do so ASAP and get another. There are a ton of providers you can choose from.

Web browsers.

We’ve all heard the horror stories about people getting caught from the web browser’s cache or history. By now you should know to clear your browser’s history every time you use it but it’s one of those things that’s easy to forget to do. Nowadays you don’t have to remember to do it. Most (if not all) browsers have the ability to clear history, cache etc. once you close it. It’s very simple to do in any browser and gives you peace of mind. Another good trick is to use another browser altogether to do your online dirt. So, if you use normally use Internet Explorer then use Firefox or Chrome or Safari to do your dirt. Or better yet use one of the many lesser known browsers. Here’s a pretty good list.

 Ten Web Browsers You probably Haven’t Heard Of

Instant Messengers 

Instant messengers are fun and easy to use to exchange a quick message or have a sexy chat but beware, if you’re not careful they may contain hidden dangers. Some messaging applications, such as Yahoo messenger, save your conversations to a log by default. Make sure to check your settings to disable those features that might give you away. I’d advise against using one, it’s just another way you can get caught but if you just can’t do without IM’s then don’t install any messaging software on your hard drive, instead use the web based versions. Yahoo and Gmail are good ones. Still, Instant Messengers aren’t without risks as there are tons of programs out there that can monitor, save and send your IM conversations to another party without you ever knowing. Again, my advice is to use them sparingly, if ever.

Keyloggers

If you’re smart you’ll be ever vigilant for keyloggers. Keyloggers are devices or programs that capture and record every stroke of your keyboard. They can be deployed via software or alternatively, via a device plugged inline between a computer keyboard and a computer. They log all keyboard activity to their internal memory and can be installed on your computer without you ever knowing. The disadvantages of a hardware keylogger are that it’s a physical thing and can be detected with the eye and removed. Also, the party doing the logging needs to physically install then remove the device to access the data. Be vigilant. Check your computer’s connections for anything out of the ordinary. A hardware keylogger looks innocuous and can easily be overlooked. A Google search for hardware keyloggers will show you what to look for.

Software keyloggers are more stealthy and much harder to detect. The good ones are completely undetectable and there are some which may be installed remotely. Fortunately there are solutions, a Google search for anti-keyloggers with give you plenty of options or you can visit I Hate Keyloggers for free downloads and tons of advice on how to protect yourself.

I Hate Keyloggers

SnoopFree Privacy Shield

I’ve only gone into a few ways which you can be compromised, it’s by no means a complete list and to be honest most of it is common sense but I hope I’ve given you some food for thought.  Be vigilant!

The next time we’ll delve into the most important technology of all, your mind. It might seem easy to find and maintain your affair but there is a mental toll and you need to be prepared.

Until next time party people, you know what we say, if you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC

My buddy, we’ll call him T, had a good thing going. He had (notice the past tense) a sexy lil redhead who was a good girl by day and down for anything by night.  She knew he was married and didn’t care, all she wanted was a good pounding once a week or so and she was happy. She would do anything T wanted in the bedroom, and I do mean anything! There was absolutely nothing that she wouldn’t try. T couldn’t believe his luck, he was having fun doing all the freaky stuff he could imagine, living out all his perverted fantasies with her. She had an even hotter friend who lived out of town and they were both down to screw V’s brains out. They made plans for the threesome and my man was flying high on cloud nine.

The day came and he got ready, gave his wife some excuse about work and he was on the way to his girl’s apartment. He got there and no sooner had his boxers hit the ground that they heard a pounding at the door. It was his wife. His non-computer and tech savvy wife. She showed her true colors and went through his computer and phone and busted him AT HIS GIRLFRIEND’S APARTMENT!

How did she find out you ask?

While T slept she got his phone and not only read but downloaded and printed every email, text and picture. She didn’t confront him, no sir, she waited and BUSTED him in the act. She dragged him out of there, but not before she caused an enormous scene, and put the fear of God into the girlfriend. Now T is screwed. She drags him to counseling on a weekly basis where she (and the counselor) remind him how much of an asshole he is, and he gets to pay for the privilege. This happened over two years ago but still every once in a while she shows him another text or picture from her files. My boy’s life is hell.

This could have been avoided if T took my advice and got himself a throwaway.

Scared? Good! Know, this, technology is NOT your friend. Respect it and take the steps to protect yourself.

We’ve already gone into how you can protect yourself with respect to your cell phone, next time we’ll dive into the many ways your computer can rat you out.

Be cool people, and remember, if you can’t be faithful, be careful!

The solution to this is simple. Get a throwaway phone.

Cell phones are cheap nowadays and it’s easy to get a decent phone that does all the things you need for minimum cost. For our purposes all you need the phone to do is make and receive calls, text and maybe have Internet access. Virtually all mobile phones, even pay as you go phones, come with these features as standard. Amazon.com has a great selection and even the most inexpensive models come with most of the above features. You won’t want to spend much on this phone, it’s called a throwaway for a reason. If things get hairy you should be prepared to chuck it anytime.

THE RULES

Ok, you picked out a phone, activated it online and it’s up and ready to go. There are some rules associated with the throwaway that you should ALWAYS follow.

RULE # 1

Cash is king. Don’t use your credit or debit card to buy the throwaway phone or minutes. I really don’t have to explain this, do I? As with anything to do with your affair, cash is king.  The point of the throwaway phone is anonymity and using your credit or debit card blows that out of the water. Use cash, but barring that there are several good pre-paid credit cards you can use. I’m not a huge fan of these as there can still be a trail but they do have their uses and are better than using your personal credit card.

RULE # 2

The throwaway NEVER, EVER sees the inside of your house. This rule should need no explanation. If your significant other sees it, you’re going to have a hell of a time explaining why you have two phones, worse still a phone they don’t know about and don’t have the number to. Keep the throwaway in your car, or better still in your desk at work or some other place only you have access to or is guaranteed not to go poking around in.

RULE # 3

Always store the phone and the battery separately. When you’re home remove the battery from the phone then store the phone in one place and the battery in another. For an added layer of security remove the SIM card and store it in a third location. Yes, I know this is drastic and all very Jason Bourne but consider the alternative. If your husband finds the phone all it takes is for him to turn it on and you’re done. If there’s no SIM card and/or battery the phone might as well be a paperweight. Be careful.

RULE # 4

Keep it simple. Don’t make your throwaway the latest 4G toy or anything too fancy. A TMC reader got a prepaid flip phone, beat it up so it would look older than it was and it worked just fine. He stored it in his tool box (sans battery of course) but as luck would have it his wife went poking about in his tool box for a screwdriver and found the phone and asked him about it. He said it was an old phone from back in the day, threw it in the garbage and that was the end of it. If he’d had a fancy touchscreen Android phone that excuse would have gone over like a lead balloon. Again, all you need the phone to do is make calls and maybe send and receive a text or two. You’re not going to be playing Angry Birds, downloading apps or checking your Facebook feed on it, so no need to get the latest and greatest.  Keep it simple.

RULE # 5

No SD cards in the throwaway. Mini SD cards are cheap and admittedly a great way to store pictures and video, but these are a HUGE NO NO for your throwaway. If your wife finds the phone and pulls the SD card and finds the erotic video you made with the hottie with the huge tits you met on AFF you’re done. I’m not a fan of pics and video on your phone at the best of times, but I guess I can understand the urge to document the good times. Still, the risks greatly outweigh the advantages, so tread carefully if you’re one who has to document. I’ll talk about this in a separate post.

So, I can hear you now…what happens when my affair tries to get hold of me in the night then the phone is in the toolbox, the battery is in the wheel well and the SIM card is under my floor mat?

Simple.

If you play your cards right your affair won’t be calling you at home so you don’t have to worry about that. The affair is an affair. Period. Set your boundaries! We’ve already talked about it a little about that but we’ll go into that in more detail very soon.

Whatever You Do, Don’t Feed Them After Midnight

 These precautions might seem excessive but no precaution is too excessive if it allows you to keep your sanity intact while you do your thing. The next time bomb that needs defusing is your computer, which we’ll go into in our next post. In the meantime is you have questions or comments hit us up in the comment area below or at info@themodernsheater.com.

Until next time, if you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC

AFF, Plenty of Fish, Ashley Madison, Oh My!

You looked at tons of pictures of the prospects in your area,  and even emailed a few. If you play your cards right you’ll get some responses from a few, trade a few emails then you’re at the trading pictures stage. You’ll be your charming self and soon you’ll get emails or texts with a few pics to pique your interest. They’ll be pretty tame, her out with the girls raising a colorful drink with an umbrella in it, or him at an office party in a business suit looking professionally fine. It won’t take long (trust me on that one) before you’re on to more provocative stuff. You go crazy when she sends you the pics of her topless and/or naked and your juices will flow like it hasn’t in years when you see him in that bathing suit on the beach. Things look good, they’re ripe for the picking, all you have to do is go get them.

And go get it you do.

Soon you meet, and let’s face it, who can resist you, that charm, that smile, and soon you’re in their arms having the time of your life, feeling like you haven’t felt in years. You leave sated and smiling maybe with some sexy pics or even video on your phone for you to remember the good times by. You’re feeling fulfilled for the first time in God knows how long and of course you want more and so does she so you set up your rendezvous by text and email. Then…wait…hear that? What’s that sound? No it’s not moans of pleasure as you watch the video of your performance in the motel off Route 69, it’s the tick tick tick of the time bombs called your phone and your computer. What you’ve just done is set up your spouse with everything they needs to know to totally screw you. IF they knows how to find it. And trust me. They know how to find it.

 SANITIZE

Every sanitization process must begin with the cell phone, the thing that some think is their biggest ally but in reality is the thing that will give them away the quickest. I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard of cell phones bringing a screeching halt to many a relationship. Oh, you’ll start out being careful but it only takes one text or picture you forget to delete or one phone call at the wrong time to turn your world upside down. Also, your demeanor will be your biggest ally in your quest to keep your secret. Suspicious spouses sniff out nervousness like a bloodhound. If the moment you come home you hide your phone or act all nervous about it it’s only a matter of time before your partner  suspects something and once that happens your days are numbered.  Sanitize that phone so you can live secure in the knowledge that there is nothing there that can incriminate you.

STEP 1:

Get rid of everything on the phone that you don’t want her to see. Delete all pictures, texts and phone numbers that could put you in hot water. If you have one of those phones (like a BlackBerry) that you backup do a fresh backup after you delete everything and make sure to delete the old backup file.

How to backup your iPhone

How to backup your BlackBerry

 STEP 2:

Get a throwaway. A throwaway is one of those cell phones you buy with prepaid minutes. As the name implies should things get hairy you can simply chuck it and it’s no big loss. I’ll go more into the throwaway and its proper use later.

STEP 3:

Sanitize your computer. This is a more time-consuming endeavor than the phone but very, very important. Your computer is a leaky bucket that has the potential to incriminate you in 100 different ways.

Not to worry, you can defuse those ticking time bombs with a few easy to follow steps,   that I’ll go into in detail in my next post.

Until next time, if you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC