Why do we do it? Is it the secrecy of it all? That deliciously mischievous feeling we feel that harkens back to our days as children when we did things we knew we shouldn’t, yet did them anyway? Is it the “dirty” clandestine nature of the act? Two people breaking their vows to find…something with someone else, risking it all just to feel alive for a little while.

Maybe all of the above.

At TMC we think that nowadays more people answer the call of affair sex because it’s so damn easy. At least, the movies and television would have you think so. As we said in our last post, no one tells you about the guilt. And no one, not Ashley Madison, not Adult Friend Finder, not Hollywood, not Craigslist, not your best friend since Kindergarten who’s having an affair with the soccer mom he met at the local PTA meeting, will tell you truth about affair sex.

They won’t, but TMC will.

Here’s the good news. Affair sex can be great. It can be what you need when things are home are unbearable and you need the touch of another human being just to get you through another day. It’s not just the sex act, but just knowing there is another human being out there, somewhere, who misses you, who cares enough to kiss and hold and make love to you can be the difference between a bearable day and one spent running naked and screaming through your gated community.

Here’s the bad news. Affair sex can be filled with guilt and recrimination. If you don’t enter into it with the right mindset then affair sex can destroy your life, and I don’t just mean if your spouse finds out. Many a life has been ruined not by the spouse finding out but by the party having the affair’s need to purge the guilt. Trust me, no one can blow up your life better than you can.

Affair sex will be easy, right? What could be simpler? You meet your potential partner far from home and finally, you’re sitting across from the person you’ve been flirting with for weeks. Truth be told you’ve gotten off thinking about making love to them, how they would feel in your arms, what they would smell like, taste like. You’re ready.

Then, you meet them and the veil of fantasy is lifted. They’re pretty ordinary, not unlike the other moms and dads you see all the time at the soccer games or bake sales. A couple of crow’s feet, maybe a little heavier than the pictures you received, maybe a little less hair and a little more grey than you imagined. That’s not a bad thing, you think. After all, you’re not perfect yourself but maybe you expected something…more. Still, you don’t dwell on that and you smile and when you think they’re not looking you cast surreptitious glances at their body, imagining the naked flesh underneath the work clothes. The waiter arrives in his horrendous uniform covered in those ugly buttons and you cringe for a moment because he looks JUST like your son’s best friend. He isn’t though and you sigh with relief and you order. Soon, the food comes and you’re deep into the getting to know one another phase and you don’t taste the rubbery appetizers and you barely touch your entrée. You take about careers and houses and kids and you wonder how the kids are doing at home, did they eat the dinner you left for them or did they fill up on junk, did Johnny choke up on the bat and did he keep his eye on the ball like you taught him to. You feel a twinge of…something at the thought of your family but you smile and try hard to put them out of your mind.

Soon dinner is over and you walk out to the cars and you share a kiss and you blurt out, “I know a place we can go.” A few minutes later you’re pulling into the lot at a motel and you both walk nervously to the door, pretending this is the most natural thing in the world but feeling like every single person who saw you, from the waiter at the restaurant to the people on the street, even the other motorists you pass, know what you’re about to do.

The room is clean and dirty all at once. It smells freshly cleaned but there’s an odor underneath the fresh pine scent. Whether from smoke or recent clandestine sex or your imagination it’s hard to tell. The sheets are a sickly pastel color which matches the carpets which matches paint which matches the ugly prints on the walls. You turn on the television and the news comes on and you quickly change the channel. The news seems so…ordinary. It’s what you would have on in the background if you were at home right now, washing the dishes or helping the kids with their homework. You flip through the channels and hard core porn appears and you quickly change turn the television off. You move to your companion and you kiss, more out of nervousness than anything else but the kiss builds and soon your hands are running over bodies in places that haven’t been touched in God knows how long. You turn out the lights and get into bed and it feels familiar but strange too. Familiar because you’ve long imagined how it would be to touch another body. Strange because the body you’re touching is different from the one you’ve lain next to for years. It feels different, it moves different it smells different. You kiss again and the kisses are different, the caresses are different and you feel a pang of guilt that push down down down. You wonder if you’ll be able to perform, will everything work, will you embarrass yourself and have to slink home, defeated.

The time comes and condoms appear, bought with cash in a gas station convenience store far, far from home. You haven’t used protection since college but with a little effort it’s on. The sex is hesitant, uncomfortable and over quickly, nothing like the porn star sex he envisioned or the tender loving sex she fantasized. After, they’re together in the dark, her head on his chest, his arm around her, and two strangers lay together, united by broken vows. The sex wasn’t the best. The meal was forgettable. The process of finding each other long, nerve-wracking and secretive, but this, this lying together, this part made it all worth it. This is intimacy and they soak it up greedily, remembering it, storing it for those times when they will be alone and lonely once again. They lay without speaking and she kisses his once-hard chest now beginning to soften with middle age and he softly kisses her hair, the gray just beginning to show and they both know they will be here again. Despite the guilt and the secrets they will be here again. They are cheaters.

If you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC

• How to choose a site?
• Do you want to pay or go the free route?
• What kind of site do you want, a “dating” site or a “hook-up” site.
• If you’re looking for gay/lesbian/transgender hook up do the “mainstream” sites offer that?
• Want to indulge in some fetishes? Where do you go?

There are hundreds of hook-up sites that’ll get you what you want but my personal preference is to stick to the bigger ones. Not only are you guaranteed a huge selection of people to choose from (depending on your area) but they’re generally easier to navigate and offer you bells and whistles like voting, blogs and contests. At TMC we’ve tried them all with varying degrees of success so here, in no particular order, are TMC’s favorite hookup/dating sites.

1: Adult Friend Finder (www.adultfriendfinder.com)

The self-proclaimed World’s Largest Sex Dating Site, Adult Friend Finder (AFF) might just have the membership numbers to back that up their claim. They were one of the first adult dating sites and consistently rank in the top adult dating sites because of their large member base, not only in the United States but internationally. If you’re looking for bells and whistles, AFF has them, anything from contests to blogs to clubs and groups and even the ability to send voice messages.

You can go free with AFF but your options will be limited. Free members can’t initiate emails or send instant messages and your searches will be limited (only a certain number of members returned per search and no editing of search criteria). Your ability to view other members profiles are also limited, you won’t be able to view that hot member’s picture in anything large than a thumbnail.

Annoying.

With the Gold and Silver memberships you’ll be able to do all of the above. You have the option of paying for 12 months 3 months or going month to month. Silver memberships are $19.99 and a Gold membership is $29.99. gold members have the advantage of being able to view unlimited profile photos per day (Silver is limited) being able to hotlist more members and have 10 customized, saved searches per day as opposed to 5 for Silver.

If you’re serious about getting that hookup, AFF is not a bad place to start. You might balk at spending the money but with their massive member base your chances are high of scoring that hookup you’ve been craving. Unfortunately AFF does a crappy job of purging their membership lists of people who haven’t been active so don’t be surprised if that sexy profile you found hasn’t been active in years. Also AFF is swarming with “professionals” looking to expand their “client” base. Don’t be fooled. Still, it’s a good jumping off point and does work with a little persistence and common sense.

Where AFF excels is with their chat room, groups and blogs, most of which are free. All three places are swarming with folks just like you, looking for that hookup.

2: Plenty of Fish (www.plentyoffish.com)

While branded as more of a dating site than a hookup site Plenty of Fish has huge hookup potential. They are the largest free dating site on the net and according to the site they have 20 million registered members with 20,000 new per day. Members hail mostly from the US, Canada and the UK, so chances are you’ll find someone close to you.

They have all the bells and whistles you would expect but unlike AFF most features are completely free although this means you’ll be subjected to a fair amount of advertising but if you’re like us, that won’t matter. A paid membership upgrade will get you features like the ability to add themes to your profile, you get listed before free members in the Meet Me feature, see if your emails were read or deleted, see who has viewed your profile and others features. The extras cost $6.78 per month for one year ($81.40), $8.50 per month for six months (($51.00) and $11.80  for three months ($35.40) all billed in a lump sum to your credit card. There was no option for payment by check or PayPal.

The site design is pretty simple and easy to navigate but if you do have a problem you’re out of luck because email support is slow and there is no phone support option. Despite this, POF is still a great options. They give you the tools you ‘d expect from a good dating site such as, private messages (highly customizable), instant messaging (text, audio and video), favorites lists, gift sending and testimonials. Again, while not a hookup site per se, POF has the depth of membership to ensure that you will find that person you’ve been looking for and you can’t beat the price.

3: Ashley Madison (www.ashleymadison.com)

Unapologetically geared only toward affairs, AshleyMadison.com guarantees that you’ll have one within three months of joining the site or your money back. The catch is you have to sign up for the “Affair Guarantee” program ($249.00) and comply with the terms and conditions of the guarantee. If you don’t feel like paying you can sign up for free as a Guest Member and can do the following;

• Receive winks (flirt)
• Send and receive images
• Add members to your favorites list
• Reply to any paid member who initiates contact with you
• Perform searches

Anything more than that requires an account upgrade to full membership. Ashley Madison works on a credits basis so all money spent is strictly non-refundable.

The cost for full membership varies. You have a choice of the $249 Affair Guarantee package (1,000 credits), the $149 Elite package (500 credits) or the $49 Introductory package (100 credits). It’s easy to use your credits on the site as it takes 5 credits to send email messages (subsequent messages to the same member are free), I’m sessions cost 30 credits for 30 minutes and 50 credits for 60 minutes. Virtual gifts can be sent for 20, 30 or 50 credits. Payment can be made in a variety of ways, credit card, electronic debit transfer, PayPal, Western Union or by sending a check via snail mail.

The site’s purpose is clear so it’s not as feature rich and laden with fancy bells and whistles like some other sites. The layout is simple and easy to navigate and the features, Instant messaging, mail messaging, gifting, winks, photos and searches are easy to find and use. The customer support is the best we’ve seen on sites of this kind there’s an extensive FAQ and there is email support available as well as phone support options for all seventeen countries/regions where the site operates.

Ashley Madison is a great site to find that affair but be prepared to put in the work. Just like you, the other members are trying to be ultra-discrete so  be prepared for a bit more online back and forth before an actual face to face meeting. It’s said that the site is routinely checked by private investigators so use caution when posting a photo.

Each of these sites does exactly what they’re intended to do, find people to date/hookup with. Use a little common sense and we have no doubt you’ll be hooking up in no time.

Let us know your own list of sites and what kind of luck you’ve had. Until next time, if you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC