-          She/he didn’t find me attractive anymore

-          After the baby came the passion just…died

-          After working hard all day then coming home to the kids who has the energy?

-          Our sex life got boring, I want something more.

At TMC we’ve often wondered what the party who chooses to stop having sex thinks is going to happen. Do they think their spouse has a switch they can flip which will stop them from wanting sex and intimacy? Do they think that their spouse just accept that the person who vowed to love and keep them no longer seems to want to do either of those things. And most baffling of all, do they think that their spouse won’t go find it somewhere else?

Sexless Marriage Is Surprisingly Common

But TMC, I hear you saying, surely you can love your spouse and not have sex with them. Sure, you can, and I have no doubt that many many people who have chosen to abandon their spouses/significant others sexually would emphatically make the same statement. But the fact is sex, intimacy and marriage go hand in hand. Think not? Then ask an abandoned spouse how they feel. Ask them about the loss they experience when they realize the wife or husband they still love and are sexually attracted to no longer feels the same. Ask them about sleepless nights spent next to that person. Ask them about wishing and hoping and praying for even just a taste of the intimacy they used to count on as a given. Make no mistake, it’s a loss. A loss that, if not addressed, leads to resentment, anger and often results in the end of the relationship.

As with so many relationship quandaries, situations like these could be solved with a little communication. But, more often than not we say nothing, hoping maybe that some magic situation comes along that solves all our problems.

I Just Wish He Would Have An Affair

 It never happens. Then the abandoned spouses’ resentment rises to such a level that they decide to have an affair. You see, readers, the cause for most affairs are about 25% sex and 75% intimacy. This is what an abandoned spouse misses, the feeling of intimacy you get when you make love to someone who cares for you. That look that special person gives you when you’re naked and hearts are beating and bodies are sweaty. They come for the sex but stay for the intimacy. And at the end of the day we all need some intimacy.

Did you stop having sex with your spouse? If so, why? What happened? Tell us your story, info@themoderncheater.com

As ever, if you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC

Does anyone find it interesting that the English language has a word for a woman who has a relationship with a married man, mistress, but we don’t have a word for a man involved with a married woman?

Oh, sure, we refer to men as lovers or paramours, but they don’t seem to hold the same hated (or heated) weight of the mistress.

L’affair scandalous.

TMC recently had a chance to chime on the subject of what to do when you believe life can not go on unless you confront the woman you know (or think you know) is the other woman in your marriage. You have to love the Huffington Post’s Advice Section. Not a day goes by where we here at TMC don’t learn something from their writers.

We hear stories all of the time about a private investigator this and a secret email account hacked that, and we wonder:

Did you spend this much time focusing on the signs your marriage was sputtering? If the answer is no, then what do you expect to find out by confronting a third-party. They can no more give you closure than they can offer insight into your spouse’s behavior.

Why? Easy. Your spouse is not ‘your spouse’ when they are with their lover. They are their best selves in many ways. They are chivalrous, they are in need of affection, they are content to listen to this woman, and they are considerate lovers.

And why are these men so different? Oh, the anecdotes we could tell, but we’ll stick to the easy ones:

Your husband doesn’t pay bills with this woman and he doesn’t raise her kids and he doesn’t spend more than a few hours a week with her. She is everything you are not, simply because he doesn’t have to actually connect with her fully if he doesn’t want to.

And him? Well, he’s everything he believes he’s been holding back on being because there is no one there to remind him to empty the garbage.

But, dear reader, let’s go back to calling the other woman. What will you say and why? Is it to protect her from possible lies or is it to get her to see your side. Truthfully, we almost want to believe that if she saw your side, she wouldn’t be having sex with your husband in the first place.

Is it for closure? Closure comes from within.

Tell your husband you know about his affair. Decide if you can stay with him if he even can own up to the issue and work on his role in your marriage’s demise, then look at yourself and ask if you played any role in your marriage faltering. Once you have that answer, ask yourself if you want to stay.

Read “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” and then dig deep.

Getting over an affair takes a lot of work on both sides. Ideals have been shattered, trust has been broken, love may have eroded. Or perhaps not. Perhaps you’ll be one of those couples who become stronger. And it is true that many people can move on as a couple.

But whatever the decisions are…the answer doesn’t lie within another person, it lies within yourself and your ability to forgive your spouse, and, if need be, yourself.

My wife is asleep downstairs on the couch.

This is where my marriage is…a non-affectionate, emotional prison of the mind! My mate, the mother of my children, has told me that while she loves me, she is not in love with me anymore. So many people say I should leave.

Hiding In Plain Sight – Part 1

I am an affectionate, loving man. This sleeping alone shit bothers the fuck out of me and I tell her so but our conversations leave me feeling as if I she doesn’t want to hear what I think or feel about her – and in reality, all I want is to sleep with her, to be held, kissed. The things that one should expect in a marriage, some love and affection. No amount of talking worked so I decided I could get what I needed and wanted outside of my marriage. I was sure there were other people going through the same thing I was….Doing the right thing that felt so wrong! Trying to keep the family unit together to give our children a healthy foundation to succeed from.

After talking to my wife I came to the conclusion that she was not interested in dealing with the reality of not wanting to sleep with her husband anymore. Like her brother’s wife a decade before, she has chosen the couch over her man. Oh, she started off with a multiple reasons why she needed to sleep downstairs on the couch. She wanted to watch the news, she needed to wash her hair and on and on. I just stopped asking, because when I did bring it up I was made to feel I was an annoyance. The second conclusion brought quickly to my attention was she subscribed to the ancient BS practice of ‘I don’t really want to know the truth!’ The vows we took meant till death do us part. If I wanted sex, I wasn’t getting it from her but she didn’t want me to get it from anyone else.

Well, you know what? FUCK THOSE VOWS…FUCK THE RULES…FUCK HER!!!! I was going to go get mine. I am good at pleasing women, I am good at sex. I love women. And in reality, I longed to be wanted again.

Right then I realized  that I would do one thing from now on: I would not lie to any woman who wanted to become intimately involved with me. I would tell her my story, explain my situation at home and let her decide if  I was the right man for her needs.

My mother told me the smartest man gets caught, only a dumb woman gets caught cheating! I wasn’t going to make the same mistake most men make. I was not going to lie to women. (UNCAP THIS SENTENCE).  By choosing to be honest I knew I was eliminating the possibilities of meeting a lot of women but I looked at the adventure I was about to embark on as a game. The game I was about to play I had to win. (this is contradictory)To get the affection and sex I craved, I had to establish the rules of engagement, the rules of the game. I was not going to lie, I was not going to intentionally hurt anyone, I was NOT going to concentrate on deception. My method of getting what I wanted was going to be straightforward, direct, and willing to do anything to please the women I was with.  I decided to pursue sex as an art. I was going to use the rules of ‘Hide in Plain Sight’…knowing my wife would unintentionally do her part to conceal my behavior from herself!

I’d continue to do my household duties…be home for my 10 year old when he came home from school, feed him, help him with his homework, etc. When my wife came home from work I would stay around until our son went to bed, then I would leave the house to do my thing. At first my wife would ask where was I going and I told her what she wanted to hear…and I left…not returning till hours later if not the morning. I didn’t give a fuck if she caught me, as a matter of fact I really didn’t try hard to hide it. I created an online Facebook group of my ex-lovers and girlfriends and connected with similar people who were open about their sexuality as well as having fucked up mates and spouses (this contradicts a tone of love/affection)!

I started offering my sex skill set as a product…a sort of Pussy Whisperer(?!?!)…where women could tell me the truth…tell me the type of sex they really wanted and needed. I would give them what they asked for….as much as they needed…As long as they wanted. My set of rules included complete transparency to my lovers. I let them know I was married and why I do what I do. I gave them the choice to engage in a sex-based adult friendship. I let them know they were not going to be a booty call but I was going to get deeply into them. I wanted to go out with them and really be a friend with great benefits. The best benefit was I could be the man they wanted their lovers to be. Initially I was shocked how easy it was for women to be open to getting with me. What I found out was most people do what I am doing and have been doing it for many years! No one person can be everything to anyone and shouldn’t be! Everybody gets tired of compromising sooner or later. If you divide what you need among those who want to deal with those parts of you…you never have anyone person reacting to you like you are asking for too much. I met a lot of great women who were wives, girlfriends, ex-girlfriends who wanted what I had to offer. I didn’t have to lie.

And now? Now I hide in plain sight and share my story with The Modern Cheater because I know there are a lot of people who don’t realize that stories like this are happing every day.

 ###

Before we were even close to launching The Modern Cheater we did a ton of research? Were there any sites like TMC? Was anyone tacking the issues we planned to dive head first into? The answer was yes and no. We found an article here and there similar to what we planned to do but what we found overwhelmingly was content by those who’d been cheated on. And a lot of it was bitter and angry. We know how that feels. Being cheated on is not fun, but, as the man said there are two sides to every story and Rufus’s story bring that home in a big way.

As ever, if you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC.

But this story is too deliciously appropriate not to share with you. You know how we always hear people say they can get over sex, but not an emotional affair?

Well, our man Brian Cashman highlights the extreme case of what can go wrong with you bring sex and crazy together. Now, we’re not clinicians, so we don’t know if anyone is medically not sane, but this story is crazy so that’s how we’re going to use the word today.

Now, you’ve got to read this whole story to believe it, but let’s just say that:

Brian Cashman allegedly had an affair;

The woman he allegedly cheated with either stalked him or didn’t;

Cashman’s wife moved out;

Mrs. Cashman will probably live very well after the settlement is done.

Mr. Cashman really has no one to blame but himself.

Sidebar: We use ‘allegedly’ because we learned a lot from Star Jones over the years. Thank you, Star.

Apparently, someone could have used some TLC, we mean, TMC advice, but since he didn’t ask, we’re going to just remind all of you that:

We don’t make judgments here;

We want you to be safe and by safe we mean: Use protection; keep your head on straight; don’t let your lower half dictate the terms of the rest of your body.

Be careful who you invite into your bed and more importantly, your life. That sweet, endearing person who makes you feel like a rock star might just be your downfall.

Don’t say we didn’t try to warn you.

Friends, you know the drill: If you can’t be faithful, be careful.

Why do we do it? Is it the secrecy of it all? That deliciously mischievous feeling we feel that harkens back to our days as children when we did things we knew we shouldn’t, yet did them anyway? Is it the “dirty” clandestine nature of the act? Two people breaking their vows to find…something with someone else, risking it all just to feel alive for a little while.

Maybe all of the above.

At TMC we think that nowadays more people answer the call of affair sex because it’s so damn easy. At least, the movies and television would have you think so. As we said in our last post, no one tells you about the guilt. And no one, not Ashley Madison, not Adult Friend Finder, not Hollywood, not Craigslist, not your best friend since Kindergarten who’s having an affair with the soccer mom he met at the local PTA meeting, will tell you truth about affair sex.

They won’t, but TMC will.

Here’s the good news. Affair sex can be great. It can be what you need when things are home are unbearable and you need the touch of another human being just to get you through another day. It’s not just the sex act, but just knowing there is another human being out there, somewhere, who misses you, who cares enough to kiss and hold and make love to you can be the difference between a bearable day and one spent running naked and screaming through your gated community.

Here’s the bad news. Affair sex can be filled with guilt and recrimination. If you don’t enter into it with the right mindset then affair sex can destroy your life, and I don’t just mean if your spouse finds out. Many a life has been ruined not by the spouse finding out but by the party having the affair’s need to purge the guilt. Trust me, no one can blow up your life better than you can.

Affair sex will be easy, right? What could be simpler? You meet your potential partner far from home and finally, you’re sitting across from the person you’ve been flirting with for weeks. Truth be told you’ve gotten off thinking about making love to them, how they would feel in your arms, what they would smell like, taste like. You’re ready.

Then, you meet them and the veil of fantasy is lifted. They’re pretty ordinary, not unlike the other moms and dads you see all the time at the soccer games or bake sales. A couple of crow’s feet, maybe a little heavier than the pictures you received, maybe a little less hair and a little more grey than you imagined. That’s not a bad thing, you think. After all, you’re not perfect yourself but maybe you expected something…more. Still, you don’t dwell on that and you smile and when you think they’re not looking you cast surreptitious glances at their body, imagining the naked flesh underneath the work clothes. The waiter arrives in his horrendous uniform covered in those ugly buttons and you cringe for a moment because he looks JUST like your son’s best friend. He isn’t though and you sigh with relief and you order. Soon, the food comes and you’re deep into the getting to know one another phase and you don’t taste the rubbery appetizers and you barely touch your entrée. You take about careers and houses and kids and you wonder how the kids are doing at home, did they eat the dinner you left for them or did they fill up on junk, did Johnny choke up on the bat and did he keep his eye on the ball like you taught him to. You feel a twinge of…something at the thought of your family but you smile and try hard to put them out of your mind.

Soon dinner is over and you walk out to the cars and you share a kiss and you blurt out, “I know a place we can go.” A few minutes later you’re pulling into the lot at a motel and you both walk nervously to the door, pretending this is the most natural thing in the world but feeling like every single person who saw you, from the waiter at the restaurant to the people on the street, even the other motorists you pass, know what you’re about to do.

The room is clean and dirty all at once. It smells freshly cleaned but there’s an odor underneath the fresh pine scent. Whether from smoke or recent clandestine sex or your imagination it’s hard to tell. The sheets are a sickly pastel color which matches the carpets which matches paint which matches the ugly prints on the walls. You turn on the television and the news comes on and you quickly change the channel. The news seems so…ordinary. It’s what you would have on in the background if you were at home right now, washing the dishes or helping the kids with their homework. You flip through the channels and hard core porn appears and you quickly change turn the television off. You move to your companion and you kiss, more out of nervousness than anything else but the kiss builds and soon your hands are running over bodies in places that haven’t been touched in God knows how long. You turn out the lights and get into bed and it feels familiar but strange too. Familiar because you’ve long imagined how it would be to touch another body. Strange because the body you’re touching is different from the one you’ve lain next to for years. It feels different, it moves different it smells different. You kiss again and the kisses are different, the caresses are different and you feel a pang of guilt that push down down down. You wonder if you’ll be able to perform, will everything work, will you embarrass yourself and have to slink home, defeated.

The time comes and condoms appear, bought with cash in a gas station convenience store far, far from home. You haven’t used protection since college but with a little effort it’s on. The sex is hesitant, uncomfortable and over quickly, nothing like the porn star sex he envisioned or the tender loving sex she fantasized. After, they’re together in the dark, her head on his chest, his arm around her, and two strangers lay together, united by broken vows. The sex wasn’t the best. The meal was forgettable. The process of finding each other long, nerve-wracking and secretive, but this, this lying together, this part made it all worth it. This is intimacy and they soak it up greedily, remembering it, storing it for those times when they will be alone and lonely once again. They lay without speaking and she kisses his once-hard chest now beginning to soften with middle age and he softly kisses her hair, the gray just beginning to show and they both know they will be here again. Despite the guilt and the secrets they will be here again. They are cheaters.

If you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC

TMC brings you reason number 1 why we sometimes long for the good old days.

You know. The days when men and women kept their affairs a secret.  Remember?

Yes, neither do we. It seems like everyone wants to spread the wealth, while their spreading their legs and well, that’s all great because that will keep us in business for a long time to come. But sometimes you gotta wish people would keep their mess in their own playground.

And with that, we bring you:

Michael Brodkorb and the affair that could bring down lots of other affairs. Geez, man. Have your fun, but seriously if you get caught, does everyone have to get caught with you? Yeah, we don’t think so either.

ST. PAUL

By PATRICK CONDON Associated Press

ST. PAUL, Minn. March 17, 2012 (AP)

Michael Brodkorb once was the bane of Minnesota Democrats, a savvy and aggressive operative whose scorched-earth approach to politics — showcased on a blog called “Minnesota Democrats Exposed!” — fueled his rise to dual roles as deputy chairman of the state GOP and chief spokesman for Senate Republicans.

Today, he’s as toxic to his own party as he ever was to Democrats. Fired late last year from his Senate job after an adulterous affair with the majority leader — his boss — Brodkorb is now threatening a $1.5 million wrongful termination lawsuit that his attorney says could expose more than a dozen other Capitol affairs.

“I call that extortion or blackmail and I will continue to do so,” Cal Ludeman, the Senate’s chief administrative employee, said this week. Brodkorb’s lawyers called the comment defamatory.

Whatever the motive, the mere possibility Brodkorb may expose alleged infidelities has rocked Senate Republicans and sent politicians of every stripe running for cover.

At a regular end-of-week briefing for Capitol reporters, the Senate’s No. 2 Republican, Sen. Julianne Ortman, said a variation of “no comment” eight times in less than five minutes when questioned about Brodkorb. Numerous Republican senators approached by The Associated Press said they would not discuss him.

Ludeman fired Brodkorb without public explanation in late December, one day after Sen. Amy Koch abruptly quit her leadership post. When Koch later admitted she’d had an affair, widespread speculation had Brodkorb as the other half. But that wasn’t confirmed until this week when Brodkorb’s attorney said the two, both married to other people, had been in an intimate relationship.

Brodkorb’s potential lawsuit rests on a gender discrimination claim that even his attorney called “new and creative:” that he was treated differently as a man who had an affair with a female superior, in contrast to numerous female legislative employees he claims never lost their jobs despite affairs with male legislators.

“He intends to depose all of the female legislative staff employees who participated in intimate relationships, as well as the legislators who were party to those intimate relationships, in support of his claims of gender discrimination,” according to a legal document Brodkorb’s lawyers filed this week with the state. Brodkorb’s attorney, Philip Villaume, told The Associated Press on Friday that Brodkorb has evidence of “10 to 15” such affairs. He wouldn’t describe the evidence.

Brodkorb hasn’t spoken publicly since he was fired and declined to comment for this story. Koch also has repeatedly refused comment.

Villaume said he can understand why legislators might be nervous. “Human nature being what it is, I guess I’d be a little uneasy about it.” But, he added: “It’s not our purpose to unnerve people, to upset their lives. Our job is to protect the legal interests of Mr. Brodkorb.”

Brodkorb, 38, began working on Republican campaigns in the 1990s and became an expert in “opposition research” — digging up incriminating information about political opponents. As founder and operator of “Minnesota Democrats Exposed,” Brodkorb from 2004 to 2008 maintained a stream of posts questioning the character and integrity of dozens of prominent Democrats.

Many were gleeful when he was fired, and some were happier still to see him threatening litigation that could hurt his own party. Brodkorb’s notice of claim warns of possible separate legal actions against a slew of Republican leaders who had a hand in his firing.

“Feel like I need a cigarette after that,” Javier Morillo, president of the state chapter of the Democratic-allied Service Employees International Union, tweeted shortly after Brodkorb’s lawyers finished a news conference where they talked about investigating affairs.

But Democrats at the Capitol were far more restrained. Brodkorb’s legal filing suggested he could implicate some in their party, too.

“I think we all have to be very careful about what gets said relative to the Brodkorb issue,” said the Senate’s Democratic leader, Tom Bakk. Still, he noted taxpayers likely would be on the hook for any settlement — Brodkorb is seeking at least $500,000 — and said the allegations “bring a great deal of dishonor to our institution.”

Asked who was responsible for that dishonor, Bakk responded: “It’s certainly not the Democrats.”

Sen. John Marty, a Democrat and 25-year Capitol veteran known as a guardian of legislative ethics, admitted that “you hear stories pop up now and then” about infidelities committed in the heat of the state’s yearly, months-long legislative sessions. But he said he felt Brodkorb was “clearly trying to get some money out of the Senate.”

“It’s just an ugly situation,” Marty said. “I’m trying to stay as far away from it as I can.”

Kiddies, we told you, anyone can be a cheater…but if you get caught why not just accept your fate, make your mea culpa and move on – no need to turn your issue into everyone else’s.

Until next time, if you can’t be faithful, be careful.

Hiding In Plain Sight, by Rufus

As I lay in the arms of my lover, resting here upon her beautiful breasts…I think back to almost a year ago – that was the beginning of my journey to seek out a way to  eroticize my need for affection.  A need my wife refused to acknowledge, much less fulfill.

Who am I to tell this story? I’m everyman. Just a regular guy, like you. I’m your brother. I’m your best friend. I’m your next door neighbor. I’m a cheater.

Let me say first, I love my wife. She is a great woman. Very smart, very compassionate. Truly a great human being. You will never hear me say anything really bad about her because there really isn’t anything bad to say. About five years ago I became very sick. My looks and my abilities were forever changed and she took care of me, eventually nursing me back to health. She cleaned and washed my ass when I could not.

There’s no manual on dealing with a spouse’s sickness beyond a cold or flu. We all can recite our vows, through sickness, through health, until death do us part. But, until you and your spouse go through the hell of a chronic sickness you really do not know how you’ll deal with that reality. I know my wife loves me, but my illness took a toll on her as well and emotionally she shut down. The pain of seeing her husband close to death affected her deeply. She was never the most affectionate person on the planet to begin with, but it was never an issue and I never really noticed it because I overcompensated for it when I was healthy.

I grew up in a very affectionate household with two parents who hugged and kissed me all the time. She grew up with her brothers in a single parent household where affection was hard to come by. My wife is a religious person, I’m not. I looked in the mirror and saw the reality of how sickness ravaged my looks, my capabilities, tortured my soul. And while she turned deeper into her religions to help her cope religion did nothing for me, facing my mortality, the realness of the moment, that is what I embraced. I owned the situation, I’d neglected my health in the quest to make money. And since I now reap the consequences of my poor decision making, I am true to myself and the new realities.

For my wife, the guilt of falling out of love with me and not finding me attractive anymore, caused her to treat me badly. Her religion had no conduit to deal with that guilt. She felt the way she did because that is how she really felt! The guilt for feeling that way caused her to be a very bitter, unaffectionate human being. She moved downstairs to the couch and would go weeks without kissing me, hugging me or telling me she loved me. When I would try to tell her how she was making me feel she would lash out and say mean, hurtful things. My wife even went so far as to say I was annoying her. A couple of times I really considered leaving, but I told myself that  I had invested too much in this relationship.  I sold my home when we got married, paid off all of her past bills and then bought her a car.  But that’s not really the extent our my investment – or hers.

Shortly after I got sick, she lost her job and our family’s health coverage. I used all my savings to keep us afloat, take care of our family for the years that went by until my wife went back to work a year ago.

Why should I leave? Besides the lack of sex, we get along great! We never fight over money. We have one son in college, and my 10 year old is a great kid as well. I am not going to leave, I am not going to leave my child because his mother doesn’t find me attractive anymore. Once I got her to admit the facts, got her to deal with the guilt she felt for feeling the way she did….we had the discussion. I offered to pay for counseling, she chose not to engage. Harlem girl doesn’t believe in therapy. I had to have another discussion. I told her the Church is not our marriage. It doesn’t dictate the rules of our marriage. We dictate what rules we follow. We decide the boundaries of what works and what doesn’t. She wasn’t attracted to me anymore.  She loves me, but she’s not in love with me anymore. That’s alright, I’LL GIVE YOU A PASS!!!

I explained to her that she saved my life and how grateful I was for that and that she shouldn’t feel guilty for her feelings.  It’s my need for affection – my issue – not hers. She can’t give it to me and I don’t want her to fake it.  We must do what we must do to get what we need.

“Exactly what are you saying to me?” She asked, crying, when I articulated those thoughts to her.

I looked into her eyes and said quite bluntly…”Oh you know me…I get what I want the way I want it!”

And that’s how I joined the rank of millions of people who have set aside their vows and looked for what they were missing in a relationship.

Am I proud of this life…of this story? No, not necessarily, but it’s something I know so many will understand and it’s partially why I agreed to share the story with TMC.

Rufus…father, husband, son, friend, cheater.

# # #

Before The Modern Cheater launched we debated a lot about the site. Things like graphics and plugins and social media tabs.  What we never debated was content and what we wanted to share with you, the readers.

You see, it’s easy to demonize someone because of their extramarital choices, but like all things in life, we’re all one choice away from villain or demon. And, at the end of the day, aren’t we all just a combination of both in many ways?

We look forward to learning more about Rufus every week. And, if you have a story you want to share, by all means, share it with us at info@themoderncheater.com

It doesn’t matter which side of the affair aisle you’re on, your story matters. And so do you.  And as always, feel free to comment. Let’s start a real dialogue about relationships.

TMC…If you can’t be faithful, be careful.

Bob Marley, Guiltiness

Bob had it right.

Guiltiness will rest on your conscience. But while Bob in his genius railed about the guilt of colonialists at their oppressive ways, what we’re talking about is plain old garden variety guilt at cheating on your spouse.

Truthfully, this post should have come first, because even more than getting the tools of the affair trade (the websites, your phone, computer) right, you had better get your mind right.

Sanitize Series # 2 – The Cell Phone

Sanitize Series # 3 – The Computer

If you’re planning on having an affair, do NOT discount the part that guilt will play in your life. Even if your spouse is completely abusive/neglectful with no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and (you feel) totally deserves being cheated on there is still a measure of guilt that must be acknowledged. The successful cheater knows this and prepares for it as best he/she can.

The movies and television make it looks so easy, don’t they? Unhappy at home? Not getting the attention you want and deserve? Is your husband refusing to touch you because you just can’t lose that last ten pounds of baby weight? Does your wife get more excited at a Kardashians marathon than she ever does at seeing you? Then meet someone, have an affair. Like Ashley Madison says, “Life is Short. Have an Affair.” Easy peasy.

Right.

It’s not often they show the effects having an affair can have on your mind. Often, in the movies or on TV, the person having the affair meets the boyfriend/girlfriend in a classy bar or restaurant. They enjoy snappy banter over drinks or an expensive meal then smoothly transition to a nice hotel room where they passionately fall into one another’s arms, closing the door as the scene fades, leaving us to envision the hot clandestine sex.

No one shows the cheater headed toward the rendezvous heart nervous and scared, trying to forget their vows and wondering how it all came to this. You almost never see a cheater psyching himself up so the equipment will work before he meets up with his new girlfriend. When did they ever show a cheating wife kissing her kids as they leave for school that morning knowing in only a few hours she will be doing things to a stranger with that same mouth? No one explains to you that you have to almost become another person in order to go through with it.

Life is short. Have an affair. If only it were that easy.

You think you want to have an affair, but are you REALLY sure? Did you think this through? The lure of hot on-the-side sex is powerful and the thought of someone touching you and paying you some attention even more so, but there are a few things to be considered before you take that step.

The Affair

You’ve decided to have an affair, you’ve logged on to a hook-up site and spent some time assessing your options and lo and behold you hit pay dirt and found someone. They seem cool and sane; you’ve spent some time instant messaging which progressed to email which progressed to some hot phone conversations.

AFF, Plenty of Fish, Ashley Madison, Oh My!

Nice.

So you’ve made a date to hook up and you think it’s going to be easy. Just like the movies. A nice meal, a drink or two then you’ll retire to a room and have the kind of hot monkey sex that you used to have with your spouse but has long gone the way of the Dodo.

Maybe.

But probably not.

Oh, no doubt you’re excited. Your heart beats a mile a minute as the day drags on filled with meetings and TPS reports. Even your boss’s psychotic ranting and mood changes don’t bother you today, you’re going to get some later, yes you are! Then your glance at the picture of your family on your desk and you remember that you told them that you have to work late, clients in from Japan, you know how they like to party. Don’t wait up. And Johnny tell Coach Kleats I won’t make it today but I’ll be there next week for sure and remember what I told you, keep your eye on that ball. You think about the bullshit excuse you gave your husband about hanging out with the girls from work, you’ll be home late but dinner is in the fridge and make sure the kids get their homework done early and little Johnny doesn’t stay up all evening playing Call of Duty. Then you leave the house trying hard not to think about the fact that you lied so smoothly and so. Damn. Easily.

You go through stages. You’re happy you’re going to hook up later. He/she is awesome. Beautiful, hot, sexy, and they have the added quality of knowing and understanding just what you’re going through. Why the hell shouldn’t you go out and have some fun? If your spouse was doing the right thing, why, you wouldn’t even be considering doing this. Yeah. To hell with that selfish asshole! I deserve this, you tell yourself. I deserve some happiness. Maybe you do. But soon five o’clock rolls around and you head to the bathroom and touch up your hair and/or makeup. You splash on just a touch of perfume or cologne. You make sure your breath is icy fresh and you take a deep breath and look in the mirror and wonder what the hell you’re doing, and you consider, just for a moment, saying to hell with this and walking out the door to catch the 5:20 bus like you usually do.

But you don’t.

You give your hair one last look, you pop another breath mint and you grab your stuff and the directions to the restaurant and you walk out the door.

An hour or so later you’re at a Friday’s or Chili’s out on Route Zero, far from anywhere where anyone would recognize either of you. You sit in the car, trying to see if your date (damn, when’s the last time you used that word) got there before you and as you’re leaving the car you see him/her. His hair might be a little thinner than you imaged or she might have a couple of more pounds on her then you thought but essentially they are the same.  Your pulse begins to race again and you think, it’s not too late. You could pull out of the parking lot now and go home. You can delete your Adult Friend Finder profile, lose their email address and go on with your life.

You almost do, but again, you don’t. You take a deep breath, get out of the car and walk, smiling, into the chain restaurant and toward your affair.

It’s not easy, the affair, and if you think it is then you’re fooling yourself. Next time we’ll talk about affair sex and how it might not be all it’s cracked up to be.

Until then, if you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC

All it takes to plug the holes are a little common sense, some knowledge and time. If you’re lucky enough to not share a computer with your spouse or significant other then it’s a little bit easier. If you do happen to share a computer then it’s a bit harder but by no means impossible. I’ll start with the most obvious things and move on to the not-so-obvious. This is by no means a complete list so if you have any ways to protect yourself we haven’t mentioned here then by all means, let us know at info@themoderncheater.com

User Accounts

If you’re on a shared pc your first line of defense is to separate the user accounts.  This is easy to do, but note that you must have a computer administrator account on the computer and be logged in as an administrator to add a new user to the computer. Password protecting the user account once you make the new account it is ideal.

To Create a New User Account in Windows XP

To Create a New User Account in Windows 7

Creating a new user in Mac OS X

STEP 2:

Ok now you’ve made your separate user account but (if you haven’t set a password) anyone can still log onto your account and snoop. So just like we did for the cell phone we need to get rid of everything and anything that could incriminate you. And there are many. Let’s go through some of them.

Pictures and video.

If you’ve been crazy enough to save any pictures or video to your hard drive (and I hope to GOD that you haven’t) now is the time to get rid of them. One guy I know keeps photos and video of his affair on a flash drive and carries it around with him but even that is risky. Leave it in the wrong place or forget it one day and that’s all she wrote. I understand the thrill of looking at the pics or videos now and again but it’s not worth the risk. Still, if you simply MUST have your memories there are plenty of free online services, such as www.picasa.com and www.flickr.com  where you can store them.  Most of these services offer gigabytes of free storage and can be set up quickly and anonymously.

E-mail

When I help my friends set up email I proceed as if the old email address is compromised so I recommend ditching it altogether. If it’s one of those addresses you’ve had for years and Gammy and Pepaw and the rest of the family know and you couldn’t possibly delete it then for God’s sake don’t use it to correspond with your affair. If you can ditch it then do so ASAP and get another. There are a ton of providers you can choose from.

Web browsers.

We’ve all heard the horror stories about people getting caught from the web browser’s cache or history. By now you should know to clear your browser’s history every time you use it but it’s one of those things that’s easy to forget to do. Nowadays you don’t have to remember to do it. Most (if not all) browsers have the ability to clear history, cache etc. once you close it. It’s very simple to do in any browser and gives you peace of mind. Another good trick is to use another browser altogether to do your online dirt. So, if you use normally use Internet Explorer then use Firefox or Chrome or Safari to do your dirt. Or better yet use one of the many lesser known browsers. Here’s a pretty good list.

 Ten Web Browsers You probably Haven’t Heard Of

Instant Messengers 

Instant messengers are fun and easy to use to exchange a quick message or have a sexy chat but beware, if you’re not careful they may contain hidden dangers. Some messaging applications, such as Yahoo messenger, save your conversations to a log by default. Make sure to check your settings to disable those features that might give you away. I’d advise against using one, it’s just another way you can get caught but if you just can’t do without IM’s then don’t install any messaging software on your hard drive, instead use the web based versions. Yahoo and Gmail are good ones. Still, Instant Messengers aren’t without risks as there are tons of programs out there that can monitor, save and send your IM conversations to another party without you ever knowing. Again, my advice is to use them sparingly, if ever.

Keyloggers

If you’re smart you’ll be ever vigilant for keyloggers. Keyloggers are devices or programs that capture and record every stroke of your keyboard. They can be deployed via software or alternatively, via a device plugged inline between a computer keyboard and a computer. They log all keyboard activity to their internal memory and can be installed on your computer without you ever knowing. The disadvantages of a hardware keylogger are that it’s a physical thing and can be detected with the eye and removed. Also, the party doing the logging needs to physically install then remove the device to access the data. Be vigilant. Check your computer’s connections for anything out of the ordinary. A hardware keylogger looks innocuous and can easily be overlooked. A Google search for hardware keyloggers will show you what to look for.

Software keyloggers are more stealthy and much harder to detect. The good ones are completely undetectable and there are some which may be installed remotely. Fortunately there are solutions, a Google search for anti-keyloggers with give you plenty of options or you can visit I Hate Keyloggers for free downloads and tons of advice on how to protect yourself.

I Hate Keyloggers

SnoopFree Privacy Shield

I’ve only gone into a few ways which you can be compromised, it’s by no means a complete list and to be honest most of it is common sense but I hope I’ve given you some food for thought.  Be vigilant!

The next time we’ll delve into the most important technology of all, your mind. It might seem easy to find and maintain your affair but there is a mental toll and you need to be prepared.

Until next time party people, you know what we say, if you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC

Speaking of guest posts we have some exciting new things happening here on TMC. Starting soon, there’ll be a new feature Mr. and Mrs. Jones, written by, well, Mr. and Mrs. Jones. No, they’re not really married but they’re people who’ve written to us with stories about their respective spouses so similar that they might as well be married. They have some interesting, informative and surprising things to say. Stay tuned!

We’re also about to debut Hiding In Plain Sight, a series by a man who survived a near-death illness only to find that even as he recovered, his marriage was (and is) on life support.

Today we’ll be debuting our guest post section and the very first one is by our man Austin.

The Clueless 99.9%

Austin is a man who says what he means and means what he says. You might not always like what he says but you gotta enjoy how he says it. We hope this is the first of many from him.

And finally, a feature we’re very excited about, Survival Stories. We know you’re a survivor…

So tell us about it.

Here at TMC we read. A lot. We read everything we can find on relationships and then, we do what most people don’t: We go out and we talk to people and we listen, yes, listen. There is no one right answer to how to break up, even though many ‘experts’ would have you believe that there is.

You had an affair and stayed in your marriage? Are you happy? Good.

Your spouse had an affair and you couldn’t forgive them and are now single? Are you happy? Good.

You chose another path altogether. Are you happy? Good.

No, great. Just like no two affairs are the same – no two breakups are the same and no two reconciliations are the same. So we want you to tell us your story. This is your safe space to share how you were affected and how you reacted. Tell us the good and the bad, but tell us the truth so others can see that while there is no right answer, there is one right outcome:

You need to find happiness for yourself and for those you love most.

So, tell us. TMC is listening.

That’s all for now folks, again, we’re excited to hear from you so don’t ever hesitate to drop us a line at info@themoderncheater.com or follow us on twitter, @ModernCheater.

Take care, and remember, if you can’t be faithful, be careful!

TMC