Does anyone find it interesting that the English language has a word for a woman who has a relationship with a married man, mistress, but we don’t have a word for a man involved with a married woman?
Oh, sure, we refer to men as lovers or paramours, but they don’t seem to hold the same hated (or heated) weight of the mistress.
TMC recently had a chance to chime on the subject of what to do when you believe life can not go on unless you confront the woman you know (or think you know) is the other woman in your marriage. You have to love the Huffington Post’s Advice Section. Not a day goes by where we here at TMC don’t learn something from their writers.
We hear stories all of the time about a private investigator this and a secret email account hacked that, and we wonder:
Did you spend this much time focusing on the signs your marriage was sputtering? If the answer is no, then what do you expect to find out by confronting a third-party. They can no more give you closure than they can offer insight into your spouse’s behavior.
Why? Easy. Your spouse is not ‘your spouse’ when they are with their lover. They are their best selves in many ways. They are chivalrous, they are in need of affection, they are content to listen to this woman, and they are considerate lovers.
And why are these men so different? Oh, the anecdotes we could tell, but we’ll stick to the easy ones:
Your husband doesn’t pay bills with this woman and he doesn’t raise her kids and he doesn’t spend more than a few hours a week with her. She is everything you are not, simply because he doesn’t have to actually connect with her fully if he doesn’t want to.
And him? Well, he’s everything he believes he’s been holding back on being because there is no one there to remind him to empty the garbage.
But, dear reader, let’s go back to calling the other woman. What will you say and why? Is it to protect her from possible lies or is it to get her to see your side. Truthfully, we almost want to believe that if she saw your side, she wouldn’t be having sex with your husband in the first place.
Is it for closure? Closure comes from within.
Tell your husband you know about his affair. Decide if you can stay with him if he even can own up to the issue and work on his role in your marriage’s demise, then look at yourself and ask if you played any role in your marriage faltering. Once you have that answer, ask yourself if you want to stay.
Read “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” and then dig deep.
Getting over an affair takes a lot of work on both sides. Ideals have been shattered, trust has been broken, love may have eroded. Or perhaps not. Perhaps you’ll be one of those couples who become stronger. And it is true that many people can move on as a couple.
But whatever the decisions are…the answer doesn’t lie within another person, it lies within yourself and your ability to forgive your spouse, and, if need be, yourself.