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Hiding In Plain Sight – Part 2 – The Rules of the Game

HID Graphic

It is 2am….I lie in bed alone.

My wife is asleep downstairs on the couch.

This is where my marriage is…a non-affectionate, emotional prison of the mind! My mate, the mother of my children, has told me that while she loves me, she is not in love with me anymore. So many people say I should leave.

Hiding In Plain Sight – Part 1

I am an affectionate, loving man. This sleeping alone shit bothers the fuck out of me and I tell her so but our conversations leave me feeling as if I she doesn’t want to hear what I think or feel about her – and in reality, all I want is to sleep with her, to be held, kissed. The things that one should expect in a marriage, some love and affection. No amount of talking worked so I decided I could get what I needed and wanted outside of my marriage. I was sure there were other people going through the same thing I was….Doing the right thing that felt so wrong! Trying to keep the family unit together to give our children a healthy foundation to succeed from.

After talking to my wife I came to the conclusion that she was not interested in dealing with the reality of not wanting to sleep with her husband anymore. Like her brother’s wife a decade before, she has chosen the couch over her man. Oh, she started off with a multiple reasons why she needed to sleep downstairs on the couch. She wanted to watch the news, she needed to wash her hair and on and on. I just stopped asking, because when I did bring it up I was made to feel I was an annoyance. The second conclusion brought quickly to my attention was she subscribed to the ancient BS practice of ‘I don’t really want to know the truth!’ The vows we took meant till death do us part. If I wanted sex, I wasn’t getting it from her but she didn’t want me to get it from anyone else.

Well, you know what? FUCK THOSE VOWS…FUCK THE RULES…FUCK HER!!!! I was going to go get mine. I am good at pleasing women, I am good at sex. I love women. And in reality, I longed to be wanted again.

Right then I realized  that I would do one thing from now on: I would not lie to any woman who wanted to become intimately involved with me. I would tell her my story, explain my situation at home and let her decide if  I was the right man for her needs.

My mother told me the smartest man gets caught, only a dumb woman gets caught cheating! I wasn’t going to make the same mistake most men make. I was not going to lie to women. (UNCAP THIS SENTENCE).  By choosing to be honest I knew I was eliminating the possibilities of meeting a lot of women but I looked at the adventure I was about to embark on as a game. The game I was about to play I had to win. (this is contradictory)To get the affection and sex I craved, I had to establish the rules of engagement, the rules of the game. I was not going to lie, I was not going to intentionally hurt anyone, I was NOT going to concentrate on deception. My method of getting what I wanted was going to be straightforward, direct, and willing to do anything to please the women I was with.  I decided to pursue sex as an art. I was going to use the rules of ‘Hide in Plain Sight’…knowing my wife would unintentionally do her part to conceal my behavior from herself!

I’d continue to do my household duties…be home for my 10 year old when he came home from school, feed him, help him with his homework, etc. When my wife came home from work I would stay around until our son went to bed, then I would leave the house to do my thing. At first my wife would ask where was I going and I told her what she wanted to hear…and I left…not returning till hours later if not the morning. I didn’t give a fuck if she caught me, as a matter of fact I really didn’t try hard to hide it. I created an online Facebook group of my ex-lovers and girlfriends and connected with similar people who were open about their sexuality as well as having fucked up mates and spouses (this contradicts a tone of love/affection)!

I started offering my sex skill set as a product…a sort of Pussy Whisperer(?!?!)…where women could tell me the truth…tell me the type of sex they really wanted and needed. I would give them what they asked for….as much as they needed…As long as they wanted. My set of rules included complete transparency to my lovers. I let them know I was married and why I do what I do. I gave them the choice to engage in a sex-based adult friendship. I let them know they were not going to be a booty call but I was going to get deeply into them. I wanted to go out with them and really be a friend with great benefits. The best benefit was I could be the man they wanted their lovers to be. Initially I was shocked how easy it was for women to be open to getting with me. What I found out was most people do what I am doing and have been doing it for many years! No one person can be everything to anyone and shouldn’t be! Everybody gets tired of compromising sooner or later. If you divide what you need among those who want to deal with those parts of you…you never have anyone person reacting to you like you are asking for too much. I met a lot of great women who were wives, girlfriends, ex-girlfriends who wanted what I had to offer. I didn’t have to lie.

And now? Now I hide in plain sight and share my story with The Modern Cheater because I know there are a lot of people who don’t realize that stories like this are happing every day.

 ###

Before we were even close to launching The Modern Cheater we did a ton of research? Were there any sites like TMC? Was anyone tacking the issues we planned to dive head first into? The answer was yes and no. We found an article here and there similar to what we planned to do but what we found overwhelmingly was content by those who’d been cheated on. And a lot of it was bitter and angry. We know how that feels. Being cheated on is not fun, but, as the man said there are two sides to every story and Rufus’s story bring that home in a big way.

As ever, if you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC.

 

 

Sanitize Series # 5 – Your Mind – Affair Sex

http://www.dating-relationship-advice-for-women.com/image-files/emotional-affair.jpg

Ahh, the siren call of affair sex. Why, why, why oh why do we continue to risk it when libraries could be filled to the rafters with the stories of fortunes lost, politicians resigning in disgrace, families destroyed and lives lost, all because of affair sex.

Why do we do it? Is it the secrecy of it all? That deliciously mischievous feeling we feel that harkens back to our days as children when we did things we knew we shouldn’t, yet did them anyway? Is it the “dirty” clandestine nature of the act? Two people breaking their vows to find…something with someone else, risking it all just to feel alive for a little while.

Maybe all of the above.

At TMC we think that nowadays more people answer the call of affair sex because it’s so damn easy. At least, the movies and television would have you think so. As we said in our last post, no one tells you about the guilt. And no one, not Ashley Madison, not Adult Friend Finder, not Hollywood, not Craigslist, not your best friend since Kindergarten who’s having an affair with the soccer mom he met at the local PTA meeting, will tell you truth about affair sex.

They won’t, but TMC will.

Here’s the good news. Affair sex can be great. It can be what you need when things are home are unbearable and you need the touch of another human being just to get you through another day. It’s not just the sex act, but just knowing there is another human being out there, somewhere, who misses you, who cares enough to kiss and hold and make love to you can be the difference between a bearable day and one spent running naked and screaming through your gated community.

Here’s the bad news. Affair sex can be filled with guilt and recrimination. If you don’t enter into it with the right mindset then affair sex can destroy your life, and I don’t just mean if your spouse finds out. Many a life has been ruined not by the spouse finding out but by the party having the affair’s need to purge the guilt. Trust me, no one can blow up your life better than you can.

Affair sex will be easy, right? What could be simpler? You meet your potential partner far from home and finally, you’re sitting across from the person you’ve been flirting with for weeks. Truth be told you’ve gotten off thinking about making love to them, how they would feel in your arms, what they would smell like, taste like. You’re ready.

Then, you meet them and the veil of fantasy is lifted. They’re pretty ordinary, not unlike the other moms and dads you see all the time at the soccer games or bake sales. A couple of crow’s feet, maybe a little heavier than the pictures you received, maybe a little less hair and a little more grey than you imagined. That’s not a bad thing, you think. After all, you’re not perfect yourself but maybe you expected something…more. Still, you don’t dwell on that and you smile and when you think they’re not looking you cast surreptitious glances at their body, imagining the naked flesh underneath the work clothes. The waiter arrives in his horrendous uniform covered in those ugly buttons and you cringe for a moment because he looks JUST like your son’s best friend. He isn’t though and you sigh with relief and you order. Soon, the food comes and you’re deep into the getting to know one another phase and you don’t taste the rubbery appetizers and you barely touch your entrée. You take about careers and houses and kids and you wonder how the kids are doing at home, did they eat the dinner you left for them or did they fill up on junk, did Johnny choke up on the bat and did he keep his eye on the ball like you taught him to. You feel a twinge of…something at the thought of your family but you smile and try hard to put them out of your mind.

Soon dinner is over and you walk out to the cars and you share a kiss and you blurt out, “I know a place we can go.” A few minutes later you’re pulling into the lot at a motel and you both walk nervously to the door, pretending this is the most natural thing in the world but feeling like every single person who saw you, from the waiter at the restaurant to the people on the street, even the other motorists you pass, know what you’re about to do.

The room is clean and dirty all at once. It smells freshly cleaned but there’s an odor underneath the fresh pine scent. Whether from smoke or recent clandestine sex or your imagination it’s hard to tell. The sheets are a sickly pastel color which matches the carpets which matches paint which matches the ugly prints on the walls. You turn on the television and the news comes on and you quickly change the channel. The news seems so…ordinary. It’s what you would have on in the background if you were at home right now, washing the dishes or helping the kids with their homework. You flip through the channels and hard core porn appears and you quickly change turn the television off. You move to your companion and you kiss, more out of nervousness than anything else but the kiss builds and soon your hands are running over bodies in places that haven’t been touched in God knows how long. You turn out the lights and get into bed and it feels familiar but strange too. Familiar because you’ve long imagined how it would be to touch another body. Strange because the body you’re touching is different from the one you’ve lain next to for years. It feels different, it moves different it smells different. You kiss again and the kisses are different, the caresses are different and you feel a pang of guilt that push down down down. You wonder if you’ll be able to perform, will everything work, will you embarrass yourself and have to slink home, defeated.

The time comes and condoms appear, bought with cash in a gas station convenience store far, far from home. You haven’t used protection since college but with a little effort it’s on. The sex is hesitant, uncomfortable and over quickly, nothing like the porn star sex he envisioned or the tender loving sex she fantasized. After, they’re together in the dark, her head on his chest, his arm around her, and two strangers lay together, united by broken vows. The sex wasn’t the best. The meal was forgettable. The process of finding each other long, nerve-wracking and secretive, but this, this lying together, this part made it all worth it. This is intimacy and they soak it up greedily, remembering it, storing it for those times when they will be alone and lonely once again. They lay without speaking and she kisses his once-hard chest now beginning to soften with middle age and he softly kisses her hair, the gray just beginning to show and they both know they will be here again. Despite the guilt and the secrets they will be here again. They are cheaters.

If you can’t be faithful, be careful.

TMC

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hiding In Plain Sight – Part 1 – Why I Cheat

HID Graphic

TMC is proud to debut Hiding In Plain Sight, a series by a man who survived a near-death illness to find that even as he recovered, his marriage was on life support. We hope you enjoy it.

Hiding In Plain Sight, by Rufus

As I lay in the arms of my lover, resting here upon her beautiful breasts…I think back to almost a year ago – that was the beginning of my journey to seek out a way to  eroticize my need for affection.  A need my wife refused to acknowledge, much less fulfill.

Who am I to tell this story? I’m everyman. Just a regular guy, like you. I’m your brother. I’m your best friend. I’m your next door neighbor. I’m a cheater.

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Sanitize Series # 4 – Your Mind

Guilt

Guiltiness rests on their conscience, oh yea, oh yea…

Bob Marley, Guiltiness

Bob had it right.

Guiltiness will rest on your conscience. But while Bob in his genius railed about the guilt of colonialists at their oppressive ways, what we’re talking about is plain old garden variety guilt at cheating on your spouse.

Truthfully, this post should have come first, because even more than getting the tools of the affair trade (the websites, your phone, computer) right, you had better get your mind right.

Sanitize Series # 2 – The Cell Phone

Sanitize Series # 3 – The Computer

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© 2012 The Modern Cheater